Monday, February 22, 2016

Still Reluctant, Still Here.

"Mom, you gotta start looking at things like a baseball game.  Focus on what happens next, not on what just went down, cuz you can't change that."  Nate Ball, my son.

I last published this blog almost 5 years ago.  Why has it been so long?  Let me just say the shit hit the fan.  I have been through 2 surgeries, 3 broken bones, 3 schools and that's just with my son.  My daughter switched sports after some super fun Cheer experiences.  Lets just say, the drama is real.  She now plays softball, and the drama is still real.

I was so overwhelmed 5 years ago,  I quit life.  I gave up on people.  I gave up on myself and I became really angry.  I saw my kids go trough some really painful situations and I did not know what to do.  I felt very alone.  I gained a lot of weight.  I came very close to losing my marriage and my Faith.  I thought the answer was for my kids to stop the sports, I even begged them to quit.  As a mom, that's probably the worst thing I have ever done.

But you know what?  They did not quit. They refused.  Even when coaches, teammates, other parents and even me, their own mother told them to.  I couldn't understand it.  I promised trips, cars, money, whatever they wanted.  But they would not quit.  Coaches told them they would never be successful.  Flat out bullied them.  But they loved their sports and they wanted to keep playing, no matter what.  I felt like they were gluttons for punishment,  I just couldn't understand why they would not quit.

I went to games, begrudgingly, I talked to no one.  I was miserable.  But then I did the smartest thing, as a mom,  I have ever done.  I let it all go.  I decided to let my kids do what they wanted and just support them.  I started to ignore the ugly comments, the let downs, the failures, the idiot and sometimes bizarre coaches, crazy, jealous, gossipy parents (more to come in future blogs about all that).  I found a peace in trusting my kids and their decisions.  I even realized they knew more that me  about how to handle these sports and just maybe I taught them to be this independent.  I needed to shut up.

I realized if they don't want to quit then neither do I.  I started losing weight, 30lbs so far and 50 to go.   Hopefully you will follow me on this journey.  I also started going to therapy.  One of the very best things I started to do was pray.  I started to replace my fear and failure with my Faith.  I separated my experiences from my kids, they are totally different.  I then started focusing on what happens next.  I remembered this morning that I love to write.  I love to express myself with words, it makes me happy.  So here I am.

The reluctant mom is still reluctant.  But I'm also still here, just like my kids and these dang sports. I'll share with you what I've learned and what I'm still learning.  Hopefully you'll laugh, roll your eyes and maybe shed a tear.   Just try not to rip on me too hard for my errors, grammatical or otherwise.  They are many and as I have come to realize, they have made me who I am.

No comments:

Post a Comment